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HumilityTruthfully, there has always been something about this gospel that makes me uncomfortable. Jesus advises the Pharisees at the dinner table to sit at the place of less honor, so that when your host comes, he may say to you, “Friend, move up higher;” then you will be honored in the presence of all. It seems like false humility, deflecting praise and attention so that others will then think well of them.
There is a well-known Jewish joke that illustrates this tendency. During Yom Kippur, the holy day for fasting and contemplating one’s unworthiness, a rabbi proclaimed, in front of his congregation Lord! I am nothing, I am no one! A moment later, the president of the congregation, not to be outdone, stood up and shouted Lord! I am nothing, I am no one! Soon all the prominent members of the congregation were standing and shouting Lord! I am nothing, I am no one! But then the synagogue’s janitor stood up and said Lord! I am nothing, I am no one! The rabbi turned to the president of the synagogue and said Now look all of a sudden who thinks he’s nothing!
Perhaps the troubling part of this parable is just an example of Jesus’ immersion in a Middle-Eastern culture of honor and shame: Don’t take the best seats and then be humiliated in public as the host downgrades you; start low so that others will see you being honored! Like the Japanese, Middle Easterners were and still are deeply concerned with how one’s family or social group will be perceived by others in the community. It is a perspective that we shameless Westerners will never fully understand.
So whatever Jesus the Middle Easterner is saying here about honor and shame, the fact is, we have a story here about dinner guests competing for the most honored seats and hosts inviting rich neighbors in the hope of social reward. And we can all relate to these tendencies.
For Christians, humility has traditionally been considered the greatest of the seven virtues. One of my favorite saints, Benedict, devoted the longest chapter in his rule for monasteries to the practice of humility. He presents it as a 12-runged ladder that paradoxically points downward but leads upward to God. St. Thomas Aquinas and all the theologians held humility in a central place for the Christian life. Jesus himself spoke again and again about self-denial, service, and the subjugation of pride. He lived among the poor, rejected worldly power, and rode into Jerusalem on a humble donkey. We Christians have humility drilled into us.
But the way we approach this virtue is often like this: we’re supposed to be humble, so let’s act that way. If we’re not humble, we sometimes feel guilty about that and try harder to show self-effacement. But as always, I’m interested in how we can actually become more humble people, not just act this way.
Paradoxically, it begins with a healthy ego. In common conversation, we speak of an ego as something that has to do with pride – He sure has a big ego. These are the kinds of people that the Pharisees in this gospel story were. They had a need to be recognized publicly as big shots.
But in psychological terms, a healthy ego is quite different from a big one. A strong ego has to do with being secure in oneself, so secure that one doesn’t need public recognition. In fact, a healthy ego can even handle criticism without being crushed. If you know who you are, you aren’t looking around all the time trying to find out if others think you’re good or bad.
I’ve told you this before, but years ago when I was first ordained I found it quite weird to receive praise when I preached: Oh, it was so wonderful, you’re so good! I asked my spiritual director for advice, and he said Just take their praise about as seriously as you take their criticism. Which is to say, listen to both, but only believe what you know to be true about yourself.
How does a healthy ego form? Psychologists tell us that we can learn this at an early age from parents who love us unconditionally and who also help us look at ourselves critically, without condemning us. They are rarely found together. We often grow up in an environment of criticism without love, or love without criticism. Both are important.
But we can also develop a healthy ego through the same kind of relationship with a spouse, partner, friend, therapist, or in a close community. The key is that we are loved, and we are also seen for who we are.
It is even possible to experience this with God, in the life of prayer and faith. For in prayer, we come before a God who loves us without condition. It is a relationship of trust, where there is no threat of punishment or abandonment.
But God doesn’t just love us. God also “judges” us like a good parent who uses their critical function in raising kids. That is, God holds up the mirror so that we can see who we are and who we are not, and the consequences of our actions are made clear. Because we are loved unconditionally, it is safe to be real; it is safe to be judged, to be seen by God.
A healthy ego always seems to happen in relationship - with God, loved ones, a spouse.
One of the other places where we can learn all of this is right here, in our relationships with one another. Whatever your parents were like, whatever your marriage or partnership or work environment is like, you’ve got this community.
Here we have many opportunities to learn how to be humble, how to become a more selfless person. Here we hold up the importance of love, truth-telling, acceptance of one another, and constructive criticism. Here we avoid competition, glorification of worldly success, power, and social class. Here we try to listen to one another attentively, to examine ourselves, to build consensus, and to trust in the wisdom of the group. Here we encourage one another to serve, and to give freely of our resources for the benefit of others whom we don’t even know.
And we do all of this in a community where unconditional love and honesty toward one another are the accepted norm. In a sense, we are parents, spouses, and God to one another. Through love and honesty, we build a more healthy ego in each other. Then out of our security, we are more able to practice selflessness in our relationships, in our service to those in need, in our organizational structure, and everything else we do. The church is a school, as St. Benedict called the monastery, for the development of the gift and practice of humility and other virtues.
This is why how we do what we do together is far more important than what we do. It is good to have effective programs, meaningful worship, and a balanced budget. But it is far more important to use our relationships and our work with one another as a school for the development of Christian virtues.
Jesus is the prime example of humility to all his followers. He had no need for external affirmation; he knew who he was, in God. This gave him the ability to accept people where they were, and to call them to become even more. And it gave him the capacity to empty himself for others. Here in his community, by means of this his very Body on earth, he shapes us to become the same.
End Document — St. Michael and All Angels Episcopal Church